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Situational Phobias

The Fear of Love – Philophobia

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6 Things to Learn about the Fear of Love

Do you get an uneasy or trapped feeling when you think about sharing your life with another?

Does seeing other couples holding hands leave you feeling nauseous or make you want to turn in the other direction?

Do have a fear of never finding love?

If so, you may suffer from fear of love.

The fear of love, or the fear of rejecting love, is a very serious issue for many which leads to lonliness, depression, and other problems. If you feel you may suffer the fear of love, read on to learn how to live a more happy and healthy life.

What Is the Fear of Love?

The definition for philophobia, the fear of love, is an overwhelming fear of falling in love. It’s much more than just a bit of apprehensiveness. The fear can be so strong that it interferes with a person’s life.

The term philophobia originates from the Greek word filos meaning “love” and phobia meaning “fear.””

Those with the fear of love fear emotional attachments as well as romantic love. The phobia is not rare and is noted in women more than men. In most cases, individuals suffering from philophobia live their lives void of friends or any close relationships.

It has been reported that Queen Elizabeth I may have had this fear. Despite many suitors, she never married. The opinion is that her fear may have developed from knowing that her mother Anne Boleyn and her third stepmother Catherine Howard, were both executed by orders of their husband (Elizabeth’s father) King Henry VIII.

What Causes the Fear of Love?

Philophobia is an irrational fear of falling in love or the fear to love. There may be different reasons a person may have the fear including fear of losing love. As may have been the case with Queen Elizabeth I, it could be a traumatic experience during childhood that triggers the phobia. Experiences such as domestic violence, being witness to parents’ fighting, or divorce may all play a role in the development of fear of love.

For some, philophobia may also begin in connection with religious or cultural beliefs such as arranged marriages. Those that have an arranged marriage created by their parents are afraid to fall in love as there are plans in place for them to marry another. As with some religions, relationships between men and women outside of marriage are met with consequence. This can cause an individual to be afraid of love. In some cases, even the thought of love can bring on panic for fear of punishment.

The causes, the extent, and the nature of the fear of love will vary from one person to another. In some cases, the cause may never be known.

Effects of Philophobia

Philophobia has been linked to failed relationships, avoidance of people, negative thoughts, and panic attacks. Individuals who struggle with anxiety disorders may be more prone to developing philophobia.

Physical Symptoms of Philophobia:

  • Fast heartbeat
  • Problems breathing
  • Nausea
  • Sweating
  • Restlessness
  • Chest pain
  • Dizziness
  • Trembling
  • Feeling faint

Psychological Symptoms of the Fear of Love:

  • Anxiety
  • Inability to cope with anxiety
  • Panic attacks
  • Unable to open up to others
  • Social anxiety disorder
  • Disinhibited social engagement disorder

Treatments for Philophobia

Self-help: What Can I Do to Help Myself with Philophobia

The best self-help for philophobia is to first try to determine where the fear began. You can try to figure this out on your own, or perhaps join a support group.

Think about past relationships and at what point you began feeling uncomfortable. Was there a specific incident that occurred? The thoughts at the time of the uncomfortable feeling should be explored to learn how to change those into positive thoughts in order to calm your fears.

Then, slowly begin going out and connecting with others. Just start gradually. Say hi to someone or meet a friend for lunch. Even if you’ve had negative experiences in the past, it is always possible to find love and learn to live a more fulfilling life.

Professional Help Options

Most therapists agree that cognitive behavioral therapy is the best option for you if you are suffering from fear of love. The therapy will include identifying negative thoughts and redirecting them, identifying your own beliefs about love, and learning how those beliefs may be irrational. Lastly, you will learn how to cope with your negative reactions and change them to a positive when you identify triggers and why you feel the way you do.

Medications Used for Philophobia – Fear of Love

In some cases, according to how the fear of love is interfering with your life, your therapist may prescribe medications. With the medications, the symptoms can be controlled, but the fear may still be present. It is important while on medications to also be involved in counseling sessions or group therapy.

Anti-anxiety medications like Valium, Cymbalta, and Xanax are given for individuals that are having severe anxiety that is leading to panic attacks.

Antidepressants may also be prescribed if your fear of love is causing depression. Examples of these medications include Zoloft and Lexapro. Once again they will only relieve symptoms.

The amount of medication prescribed will vary according to your symptoms.

Can You Avoid the Fear of Love?

If only there were simple tips to help you avoid your fear of love. Wouldn’t that be something?

The truth is, the only way to avoid the fear of love is to lock yourself away from the world, which is certainly not the answer. But as mentioned above, there are ways you can learn to cope with your fears in order to live a more happy life.

Remember, you do not have to be alone or fearful of love. You can learn the root of your fear and overcome it. The work  may be difficult, but you’ll love the results.

Stories Submitted by Our Readers

My Fear of Love or Relationships

I was quite the bully in my younger years, but I was also bullied. I was diagnosed with narcissism as a young child, but not sure that truly applies to my fear. I would really like a person and would often belittle them especially my closest friends which went so far as to telling them I would kill as I got older. Well, to make a long story a bit shorter, there was this boy that I liked from kindergarten until my early teens. The problem was that I would hit and kick him often until he cried and ran away. He moved away during our teen years, and I was completely crushed. I believe this was the beginning of my fear of relationships.
Today, as an adult, I do not date and I do not trust but one person, which is my mother. She is the only one that I express my thoughts and feelings to except for my therapist. During conversations, if they become a bit too personal for me, I begin to sweat, my heart pounds, I feel sick to my stomach, and weak in my arms and legs. I am seeing improvement with my therapist’s help, but it is slow going. At least, I can talk to another person besides my mother.

SUBMIT YOUR STORY

FearAZ.com is looking for personal stories of any 'fear of' or phobia. If you have an interesting story you'd like to share, we welcome your submission. If the story fits with our content and guidelines, we'll add it to our site.
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Your Fear Goes Up and Down

Are you someone who would rather climb the stairs than take the elevator? You call it squeezing in a workout after being sedentary the whole morning. Or perhaps you claim it's a faster route. These are both typical, normal, and acceptable reasons. But what if you need to be in the conference room on the eleventh floor in five minutes, and you're wearing your business suit and wingtips? Would you still prefer to take the stairs? If your answer is yes, then maybe it's time to take a closer look at your reasons for avoiding elevators. Elevators stir all sorts of emotions in passengers. From the discomfort of closeness to strangers to the sensations in our gut, elevators can be a source of the heebie-jeebies for many, but for some, they can also be a source of terror. Let's dig a little deeper into the latter, and see what this terror is all about and what can be done to manage it. To begin with, does being inside an elevator give you chills or the sweats? Or does it trigger an unpleasant memory? Perhaps you remember movies you've watched where something terrible happens inside an elevator. From Silence of the Lambs, The Shining, Final Destination 2, or the king of all elevator horror films, 2010’s Devil, the elevator becomes witness to something sinister and horrible. And you want nothing to do with any of it. You know that you're not claustrophobic. You can deal with heights just fine, too. And you know that you're not going to be trapped inside. All of these contribute to a fear of elevators—but they don't apply to you. Yet being inside one does something to you. It's hard to explain.

What is the Fear of Elevators Called?

What you have is a fear of elevators, which is called elevatophobia. It is most commonly triggered by an experience of getting stuck inside either due to a power outage or technical maintenance. Hearing about other people's experiences or watching a movie about similar circumstances can prompt a fear of elevators getting stuck with you inside. Usually, claustrophobics and agoraphobics may also develop elevatophobia because the triggers and objects of these fears are related. Claustrophobia is the fear of closed and cramped spaces, while agoraphobia is the fear of being trapped without any means of escape. Put the two together, and the elevator becomes the perfect combination of both phobias. The space is limited and closed, with only one means of entry and exit. You can add another point of access if you consider climbing the cables like they do in the movies, but that certainly isn't ideal.

Symptoms of Elevatophobia

If for some reason an elevator stops due to an outage or some technical difficulty, passengers with elevatophobia may go into full panic mode. Even if the maintenance team advises that it will just be a matter of minutes, by then, the person's mind has become irrational with the fear of the elevator falling, being stuck for hours, or other unpleasant thoughts. You would expect a person to exhibit the following physical symptoms: Additionally, you would be filled with that overwhelming anxiety where you feel that you have zero control over the situation. You start fearing the unknown and are filled with negative thoughts about death and imminent doom. You become irrational and unresponsive.

Possible Complications of Elevatophobia

When the panic sets in, the possibility of emergencies related to pre-existing conditions may make themselves known. This might include serious health crises like heart attacks or asthma attacks. When this happens, fear becomes a medical emergency. Elevator rides do not last long; it's just a matter of minutes or even less. But the fact that a person can escalate from panic to a near fatal medical situation classifies the fear of elevators as a 'hard phobia.'

Trying Some Self-Help Methods

Your fear of elevators can likely interfere with your social and work life and relationships. Not everyone understands that elevatophobia, like most phobias, can be crippling. But don't be disheartened. Depending on the level of your fear and level of control, you can gradually face and manage your phobia. Here are some recommendations you can try:
  1. Make a List of Everything that Entails Riding in an Elevator This is a systematic approach to getting over your anxiety. By following a step-by-step process, you can identify where the fear kicks in at its strongest. You can write a list of steps like pressing the topmost button and waiting to arrive on that floor, watching as the door closes and opens, being alone inside the elevator, or having delays with the doors opening. Now try doing the opposite. For example, face away from the door or occupy yourself with your phone so that you are distracted.
  2. Create Your Fear Ladder Although the name says fear of elevators, it is not the whole process that scares you. There are just phases and parts of the elevator riding experience that cause you to panic. So go back to the list you initially created and label the fear level you feel. You can do it numerically, too, like ten being 'really scary,' six, 'manageable scary,' and one, 'not scary at all.' You can put the corresponding fear levels so you can focus more time and effort into activities that are more scary to you.
  3. Face Your Fear By now, you have identified what scares you the most. You can try repetitive action to minimize your fear and increase your sense of ‘normalcy’. Remember that the longer you expose yourself to your fear, the better you get at handling your emotions. If you are feeling overwhelmed, stop. Pushing yourself too fast and too soon can backfire. Modify your pace and go slower instead.
  4. Talk About Your Fear People by nature, unfortunately, are not quick to offer understanding and support. You need to tell them what's wrong before they can empathize. Talk to someone who you trust and ask for their support, especially in the initial phase of overcoming your fear. If you are too afraid to ride the elevator alone, you can ask them to go with you, and before you realize it, you are on your floor, and there was no indication of panic.
  5. Learn To Be Patient Be patient with yourself and your predicament. This is, after all, your fight against fear. It might take hundreds of elevator ride practices before the fear gets under control. Even then, there might be some hesitations and episodes of nervousness. These are acceptable and expected, so cut yourself some slack and congratulate yourself for every progress.

Seeking Professional Help

Along with self-help, you can always enlist a medical professional's aid to support you with your elevatophobia. Talking to someone who has experience with similar cases can be comforting, because you know that you are not alone, and this situation can get better. Talk to your doctor about the severity of your fears and the symptoms that you experience. Explain how you deal with it in an attempt to control it. An exam and a health history are made to ensure that there are no unrelated or underlying problems that your symptoms might mask. Usually, phobias like this are approached with a combination of psychotherapy and medication. Your doctor will talk about these options with you, and it's entirely up to you, with your doctor's recommendation, what you want to pursue. For psychotherapy, the most common type is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which aims to help you find different ways of behaving, thinking, and reacting when about to step inside an elevator or when already inside it. With medications, there are beta blockers and benzodiazepines, but note that these can have side effects. Whatever these side effects are, you should promptly share it with your doctor.

Simple Tips to Overcome Elevatophobia

Elevators are not perfect, but their likelihood to malfunction, fall, or get stuck is very low. If you are not fully confident with this information, you can help overcome your elevatophobia by learning common elevator safety tips and basic elevator operations. These should help curb your mild fear until you become more self-assured. In addition to that, here are some of the things that you can do to gradually overcome your fear of elevators—both in getting on and riding one.

Conclusion

Yes, elevatophobia can be a challenge in today's world, but don't allow the elevator to win. Don't let it stop you from taking a job on the top floor or attending a social gathering on the rooftop. Sure, you can take the stairs if you insist and arrive winded and sweaty, with the party about to wrap up. But is this the quality of life you seek? Elevators are designed to make life easier. There are guaranteed ways to help you overcome elevatophobia. Take the first step and seek help. Soon, you’ll see yourself breezing through the floors with those arduous stair climbs little more than a memory.
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